tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27669023922404336232024-02-20T15:28:52.616-06:00Struggles with losing weightLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-17487719004031789802010-12-30T11:42:00.006-06:002010-12-30T12:01:26.838-06:00December 30, 2010When I created my last post, I never expected to lose another loved one in the month of December. However, I received a call on Monday, December 20th telling me my Dad passed away in his sleep. After getting the news, I was in shock. I had to drive over 2 hours to where my parents lived. I kept going in circles picking up things I thought I needed to pack. I called my cousin so she could take care of my cats and I called Scott so he knew. I wanted a big hug then. That would have to wait. We couldn't pack the Christmas gifts in the car so that would wait too. We arrived at their home and heard more details of what happened. There was no evidence of struggling or thrashing around as if it were a heart attack. We suspect a blood clot or an aneurysm but so glad he went in his sleep and at the home he loved so much.<br /><br />Hug your loved ones. Happy New Year!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-63855294467179050712010-12-17T11:34:00.006-06:002010-12-17T12:19:39.006-06:00Friday, December 178 years ago today my husband Troy passed away from Leukemia. After these many years the memory fades but I will never forget sitting at his bedside when he took his last breath. I didn't cry, I had done tons of that weeks and months prior to his death but his Mom and Dad were there too and I wanted to be strong for them. My Mom was there for me.<br />My world stopped in November of 2001 when he was diagnosed with cancer. At first there was chemo and procedures to combat the cancer and I dealt with the up and downs of him losing his hair and having little energy and waiting for him to "recover". In April/May of 2002 he was given a non-chemo drug that looked very promising and his white cell counts were improving. We discussed getting married in July and all of his family came from Boston and we had a great wedding day planned in only 7 weeks. I had help from family and friends. The only thing I regret is that nobody captured memories on a video camera. The pictures are great but I still wish I could see him move and hear his voice. In October, his energy and blood counts were low and pain was increasing. Troy was brave and didn't complain to me much. I was supportive but he knew I cried over the chance of losing him. We talked in the evenings and I would tell him I wanted to know with 100% proof that he was in Heaven. I told him that if he could come to me in a ghostly image or if I could hear him talk in my ear, I would be satisfied he was there. He went back into the hospital for the last time on December 9, 2002 and 8 days later he was gone. My future self was not going to hold him, look at him, smile and laugh with him or grow old with him. I was going to be a widow and alone for the rest of my life. I was down and depressed and didn't always take the best care of myself or my apartment. I let dishes pile up, clothes remain unwashed, house not cleaned and I just went to work and then to home. I had 2 cats and the youngest one called Shadow was our "baby". I sometimes would wish that Troy could talk to me thru her, I could tell that she and Mishka missed having Troy to cuddle up next to. Troy was very playful with them. The cats are still alive. I never got the 100% feeling or image that he is in Heaven, even though I believe he has to be there. I am still alone. My future self is waiting for another "angel" like Troy ASAP!Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-59194448015893084362010-12-07T11:20:00.005-06:002010-12-07T11:58:37.776-06:00Tuesday, December 7This past weekend was fun. On Friday I met up with a co-worker and her sister and we listened to a local band. I had time to get "pretty" (put in my contacts and did my hair and make-up). She and her sister and another friend had been there hours before me and they were feeling no pain. I enjoyed their company. At one point my friend said I have a slightly evil/pretty smile and if I would open up more that I could have anyone I wanted even at my current weight. It was nice to hear that she thinks this is true but it is hard for me to actually believeit. Scott came up later and it was nice to see him. He took video of the band and I sat back at the bar after my friend left to meet her boyfriend. I had 3 drinks total. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to the band that was playing and other band friends watching them. Scott walked to my car and I said I wished to see Brett Favre play in a game before the end of the season. The only date that is possible is this Sunday. When Favre got injured, the plans got put on hold. On Saturday I was to met up with a friend to see her son bowl but that got mixed up and didn't happen. Later I was attending a "fatty acceptance" dance after I bowled in my league. When I arrived to bowl, I found that 2 of my 4 person team was sick and that the other team was not showing at all. We bowled so quickly that I was able to get to the dance way early than expected. I had no expectations than to just dance with the girls and that is exactly what happened. The attendance was low and the DJ played crap until after 10:30pm. I had 1 strong drink the whole night. On Sunday I laid around until around 3:30 because I was tired from 2 late nights in a row. Later I went shopping and bought some food that I shouldn't have. I ate 2 chocolate chip cookies after eating Chinese food for supper. On Monday after work I went to TOPS and recorded a 0.4 loss; however, after coming home to eat supper I ate the remaining 8 cookies. I had the whole package near me and even with all the reasons to not eat them I just couldn't stop. I awoke Tuesday feeling super tired and high on sugar. So Tuesday is another day to get it right..right? The plan is to get to the Y tonight. Lunch time is over so it's back to work.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-56268215609792662502010-12-02T21:41:00.003-06:002010-12-02T22:16:48.517-06:00Thursday, December 2I stayed up much too late yesterday. I was enjoying the memories of my birthday before I went to sleep. I had a busy afternoon at work and stayed late so I made another excuse to not go to the Y. I know it's up to me to push myself to exercise. I need to get more sleep starting now.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-91722074904676428262010-12-01T22:33:00.004-06:002010-12-01T23:30:40.662-06:00Wednesday, December 1Today did start out better than yesterday. I received several birthday wishes on Facebook including one right at midnight from Scott. This birthday is not a milestone one but it made me wish the calendar could remain in November. When I got to work I was surprised with more birthday wishes and bagels. I met up with Scott after work for a bite to eat and presents. I enjoyed the 2 hours talking with him more than I can explain.<br /><br />I will set some small goals so I can reach my bigger 40 pounds loss by March. I am nearly half way to that goal. I must not let the upcoming holiday and the cold winter months stop me from reaching it.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-11295788559029763462010-11-30T21:17:00.004-06:002010-11-30T22:39:56.846-06:00Tuesday, November 30I had a feeling today was going to be busier than Monday and I was not wrong. I don't have joy in my heart. I don't have pep in my step. I wonder if I will ever feel energetic. I wonder if my heart will ever be open to be filled with joy and love. I am very sad and down about my life. I use food to fill the void. I need to find the drive within me to change my habits but doing it solo is not working for me. I didn't go to the Y tonight. I made excuses to not go. I am stupid.<br /><br />Stupidity = Doing the same thing but expecting a different resultLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-86259024786619099462010-11-29T22:04:00.003-06:002010-11-29T22:24:31.599-06:00Monday, November 29It was back to work after the holiday and as people were coming in others they would ask how Thanksgiving was and people would say good and say the break was nice. I just wanted to tackle my endless e-mails and make sure I was prepared when the phone would start ringing. To me it feels like others are wasting the 1st hour of the day by chatting about the holiday. I hear the stories of their travels or of their cooking or of their shopping and just want to hit mute.<br /><br />I had my TOPS meeting and it was a small 0.2 gain for the week.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-14810311098463924472010-11-28T21:10:00.003-06:002010-11-28T21:56:35.142-06:00Sunday, November 28I don't dislike the holidays, I just don't enjoy them like I used to. Is it normal as you get older to feel like these special days are for younger families/kids? I went shopping on Black Friday but was not in the Christmas spirit. I don't decorate my house mostly because it's just me and why take the time to pull the boxes from storage and put things out for 3 or 4 weeks. I need an injection of merriment and love!<br /><br />I didn't go to the Y last week. Up until then I was going twice a week and was noticing some consitant weight loss. Time to get back in the habit starting Tuesday.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-60495984175192580882010-10-18T21:50:00.003-05:002010-10-18T22:02:55.506-05:00October 18, 2010I want to give those who still interested in following my blog the news that I am still alive and kicking. Not really kicking more like walking and biking. Not really walking but doing it on the treadmill. Not really biking but using the stationery stepper all at the YMCA. I joined the Y about 2 months ago and I have made an effort to go at least twice a week. I workout about 90 minutes. I have made efforts not to snack inbetween meals. I made a goal to lose 40 pounds by March 2011. I have lost 15 so far towards that goal.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-57183839652440649852010-06-06T12:11:00.003-05:002010-06-06T12:23:51.206-05:00Saturday, June 5Breakfast: 2 Fiber One bars<br /><br />Snack: brownie bite<br /><br />Dinner: beef tips with gravy over buttered noodles, chicken noodle soup, diet pepsi, cherry cheesecake<br /><br />mood: tired but what else is newLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-63836869303313467442010-06-04T22:40:00.004-05:002010-06-04T22:51:02.402-05:00Friday, June 4Breakfast: oatmeal, pretzels<br /><br />Lunch: Lean Cuisine, chicken wrap<br /><br />Snack: 3 bite size hersheys chocolates<br /><br />Dinner: gyro sandwich, fries, diet coke<br /><br />Snack: ritz crackers<br /><br />Mood: TGIFLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-83711030433904334612010-06-03T22:10:00.004-05:002010-06-03T22:31:24.387-05:00Thursday, June 3Wed:<br /><br />Breakfast: oatmeal, zingers<br /><br />Lunch: Lean Cuisine<br /><br />Snack: 2 apples<br /><br />Dinner: grilled chicken, rice-a-roni, vegetables, milk<br /><br />Snack: ritz crackers, corn chips<br /><br />Mood: tired<br /><br />Thurs:<br /><br />Breakfast: oatmeal, pretzles<br /><br />Lunch: Lean Cuisine<br /><br />Snack: cold chicken wrap<br /><br />Dinner: hamburger helper (turkey), potatoes, mixed vegetables, milk<br /><br />Snack: ritz crackers<br /><br />Mood: tiredLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-71419090946912751122010-06-01T21:06:00.004-05:002010-06-01T21:11:00.345-05:00Tuesday, June 1Breakfast: oatmeal, coffee cake<br /><br />Lunch: Lean Cuisine<br /><br />Snack: corn chips, water<br /><br />Dinner: boneless, skinless grilled chicken, potatoes, corn, milk<br /><br />Mood: tiredLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-9065322679259782882010-05-31T20:33:00.001-05:002010-05-31T21:56:22.083-05:00Monday, May 31Food journal<br /><br /><strong>Friday</strong>:<br /><br />Breakfast: oatmeal, banana<br /><br />Lunch: Lean Cuisine, apple, handful of cashews<br /><br />Dinner: chicken wrap, waffle fries, diet coke<br /><br /><strong>Saturday</strong>:<br /><br />Breakfast: scrambled eggs, hashbrowns, 2 sausage links, 2 pancakes (no syrup or butter) from IHOP<br /><br />Lunch/dinner: 2 brats (no bun), turkey dog, pork n beans, slice of cheese, pasta salad, beer bread bites<br /><br />Snack: ice cream<br /><br /><strong>Sunday</strong>:<br /><br />Breakfast: fried egg, cheese, turkey sausage patty on 2pcs of toasted wheat bread<br /><br />Lunch/dinner: 3pcs chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, pumpkin bar<br /><br />Snack: ice cream<br /><br /><strong>Monday</strong>:<br /><br />Breakfast: stuffed hashbrown (scrambled eggs, ham, peppers, inside hashbrowns), wheat toast with grape/apple jelly, water<br /><br />Lunch/snack: 20 ritz crackers, 30 pretzels<br /><br />Dinner: baked ham & cheese club sandwich, fries, coleslaw, chicken w/ rice soup, diet coke<br /><br />mood: thankful for freedomLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-79865396290218961762010-05-27T21:35:00.000-05:002010-05-27T21:44:20.874-05:00Thursday, May 27Breakfast: oatmeal, banana<br /><br />Lunch: Lean Cuisine, can of no sugar added peaches<br /><br />Snack: apple, handful of cashews<br /><br />Dinner: grilled ham and cheese sandwich, chicken dumpling soup, fries, diet pepsi<br /><br />Mood: eh, whateverLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-74064401486633613742010-05-26T22:57:00.000-05:002010-05-26T23:14:06.650-05:00Wednesday, May 26Breakfast: zingers, banana<br /><br />Lunch: Lean Cuisine, no sugar added pears from a can<br /><br />Snack: apple, 3 mini chocolate bites<br /><br />Dinner: (thanks to Clarence) cold tuna fish salad, glass of milk, 1/2 package of ritz crackers<br /><br />mood: tiredLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-78733139679998522392010-05-25T22:16:00.000-05:002010-05-25T22:22:27.160-05:00Tuesday, May 25Breakfast: oatmeal, banana<br /><br />Lunch: Lean Cuisine, can of peaches (no sugar added)<br /><br />Snack: apple<br /><br />Dinner: (I made it) hamburger helper, mac & cheese, mixed vegetables, brownie bite<br /><br />emotions: in checkLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-27070815195625260602010-05-24T22:45:00.000-05:002010-05-25T22:16:35.485-05:00Monday, May 24Breakfast: oatmeal, banana<br /><br />Lunch: Lean Cuisine, apple, can of pears (no sugar added)<br /><br />Dinner: (thanks to brother) grilled chicken, potatoes, mixed vegetables, glass of milk, saltine crackers<br /><br />weigh in: down 4.8 poundsLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-22285833837450958312010-05-23T12:49:00.000-05:002010-05-23T22:51:24.615-05:00Sunday, May 23I woke up today around 11am. I grabbed saltines and a glass of milk around 1:30 and proceeded to eat the whole package. I believe the calorie count is 500. I was still tired so I laid on the couch for a hour or two. Later I ate 2 Fiber One bars at 140 each for a total of 280. I did do some laundry but had no energy to attack some other chores in the house. At 5:30 I went to the store for groceries and was craving some foods but I avoided buying most of the wrong things. For supper I grabbed yet another cracker package and a glass of milk. Why is it difficult for me to put food into a pan or pot and cook? I need to learn the answer for myself.<br /><br />Thanks for readingLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-46667249892802131312010-05-22T12:16:00.000-05:002010-05-23T03:20:42.658-05:00Saturday, May 22My last blog mentioned that I finally booked a trip to Florida. I stopped writing my blog between booking the trip and returning from it. I enjoyed the time off work and all the attractions and adventures with Scott. It was a very wonderful vacation but because of my weight I didn't have the energy to walk without foot/ankle pain. After the first full day I developed a skin blister on the bottom of both feet. We have many pictures and memories of 7 days together.<br /><br /><br />One evening I was re-reading an excerpt from Sean Anderson's blog to Scott. It re-awakened my desire to get in control of my life and my weight and my future. I know Scott is feeling down about his weight and the hernia and how it stops him from enjoying more things in our relationship. We have to change the habits that have gotten us to this point in our lives and build new healthly ways of eating and living.<br /><br /><br />My new task will be to keep a food journal and to express how I am feeling so I can better understand why I eat.<br /><br /><br />I woke up today at 9am feeling a bit sore but not really tired. I walked into the living room and turned on the TV and went on the computer. I then grabbed rice cakes and ate a package the contained 7 cakes and the calorie count is 60 each for a total of 420 for breakfast. My thoughts turned to Sean's more satisfying homemade egg white omelets for breakfast at far fewer calories. I eat foods that are easy and don't take time to prepare. I will have to work on changing this habit.<br /><br /><br />For lunch I opened a can of chili with beans (260 per serving and a can is 2 servings) and dipped saltines crackers (60 per serving and 5 crackers is a serving) into it. I did eat the entire sleeve of saltines so the calorie total is 1000. It is very shocking how little I seemed to eat and how many calories it added up to.<br /><br /><br />I am doing nothing around the house, just catching up on recorded TV programs. It's a bright sunny day and I am wondering why I sit inside. I have evening plans but could have at least left the house. I need to not be so lazy. Did eating those calories at lunch make me lazy?<br /><br /><br />I opened a can of peaches (50 per service and a can is 2.5 servings) for a calorie cound of 175. I am over 1500 calories for the day and have not had dinner. It's upsetting to know that I exceeded the 1500 calorie goal so early.<br /><br />I had a burrito for dinner so I really exceeded the calorie mark.<br /><br />Tonight I am going to see Scott's band play. A lot of friends/family of his will be there. I am planning on rockin/head-banging to their last song with another friend Dana and taping it.<br /><br />Tomorrow starts my newest attempt to change the bad habits and re-write the message in my head.<br /><br />Thanks for reading.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-29596902843910700492010-03-12T20:13:00.000-06:002010-03-12T21:02:12.624-06:00Friday March 12I finally booked our trip to Florida. It took weeks because I couldn't decide on which area to stay at while in Tampa but eventually picked a hotel and made the flight arrangements and chose the rental car. The trip is 2 months away and I have more incentive to lose weight. I will lose 15 pounds but shooting for 25. With the weather warming up I will get out and walk and be active outside. I need to be out of the house more. Spring is the time of rebirth and renew.<br /><br />Thanks for readingLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-61560185633197546792010-03-09T22:27:00.000-06:002010-03-09T22:53:36.764-06:00Tuesday, March 9To those who still read my blog,<br /><br />I know I am not a writer. I don't tell stories or jokes with flair. It's not easy for me to put thought and feelings into words and when I do it's still not a representation of me.<br /><br />Last week I went to Cardinal 3 day in a row. On the 4th day, I coulda, woulda, shoulda went but didn't and that started the downfall. I got down on myself and got frustrated. I stopped moving, I started feeling like I can't do this, like I can't lose weight. This process is so much about changing your mindset that I wonder if my brain is mis-wired.<br /><br />Time to re-charge the mind and body.<br />Goodnight and thanks for reading.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-77311966844826583172010-02-12T23:29:00.000-06:002010-02-13T01:10:46.266-06:00Friday, February 12I was talking to Scott last night and he was hurting. He doesn't like the way he looks. He doesn't like what his weight makes people think of him. He was not overweight as a kid. He doesn't remember when things started to change and he gained the weight. He says he is not his true self. He needs help. He wasn't sure what type help he need. He is suppose to have hernia surgery but needs to lose 50 or so pounds. He has known this for over 18 months. He wanted this to be the year. The year he loses the weight and has the surgery.<br /><br />I was thinking about him and his pain a lot last night. I don't like the way I look. I don't like what my weight makes people think of me. I have been overweight since my teens. I haven't figured out the real reason I gained the weight. I have only known me as a overweight self. I need help. I have diabetes and need to lose over 100 or so to get it in better control. I have known this for more than 5 years. This has to be the year. The year I lose the weight and have normal sugar levels.<br /><br />He needs to see that I can lose the weight and that I can help him lose his weight. I know that by helping him that I will be more determined to lose my weight. He needs to see someone motivated.<br /><br />Thanks for reading.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-36874570958292355202010-02-08T21:38:00.000-06:002010-02-08T22:51:45.230-06:00Monday, February 8I was at my TOPS meeting tonight and one member suggested that each of us tell a story about a scar we had. This was a way to open up and "get to know you". Some talked about minor accidents or falls in their childhood that caused their scars. One talked about getting his finger stuck in a car door. The stories were cute and we smiled. I tried for several minutes to think of a funny scar story. I drew a blank. I have a surgery scar but that wasn't funny. When everyone looked to me to add to the stories, I said I don't have any scars. This was so not true. The fact is that nothing is funny about my internal scars. The battle inside my brain over food and exercise is showing in the way I look on the outside. I put on a happy face most of the time but I don't like the way I look.<br /><br />Thanks for readingLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2766902392240433623.post-42681340100355319482010-02-04T11:32:00.000-06:002010-02-04T20:18:39.450-06:00Thursday, February 4I want to lose weight but I am just not pushing myself enough to make lifestyle changes. I need a jolt or a kick in the @$$ to finally get on the road to eating right and exercising more. I can't do it by myself.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05862594122429492339noreply@blogger.com0