December 30, 2010

When I created my last post, I never expected to lose another loved one in the month of December. However, I received a call on Monday, December 20th telling me my Dad passed away in his sleep. After getting the news, I was in shock. I had to drive over 2 hours to where my parents lived. I kept going in circles picking up things I thought I needed to pack. I called my cousin so she could take care of my cats and I called Scott so he knew. I wanted a big hug then. That would have to wait. We couldn't pack the Christmas gifts in the car so that would wait too. We arrived at their home and heard more details of what happened. There was no evidence of struggling or thrashing around as if it were a heart attack. We suspect a blood clot or an aneurysm but so glad he went in his sleep and at the home he loved so much.

Hug your loved ones. Happy New Year!

Friday, December 17

8 years ago today my husband Troy passed away from Leukemia. After these many years the memory fades but I will never forget sitting at his bedside when he took his last breath. I didn't cry, I had done tons of that weeks and months prior to his death but his Mom and Dad were there too and I wanted to be strong for them. My Mom was there for me.
My world stopped in November of 2001 when he was diagnosed with cancer. At first there was chemo and procedures to combat the cancer and I dealt with the up and downs of him losing his hair and having little energy and waiting for him to "recover". In April/May of 2002 he was given a non-chemo drug that looked very promising and his white cell counts were improving. We discussed getting married in July and all of his family came from Boston and we had a great wedding day planned in only 7 weeks. I had help from family and friends. The only thing I regret is that nobody captured memories on a video camera. The pictures are great but I still wish I could see him move and hear his voice. In October, his energy and blood counts were low and pain was increasing. Troy was brave and didn't complain to me much. I was supportive but he knew I cried over the chance of losing him. We talked in the evenings and I would tell him I wanted to know with 100% proof that he was in Heaven. I told him that if he could come to me in a ghostly image or if I could hear him talk in my ear, I would be satisfied he was there. He went back into the hospital for the last time on December 9, 2002 and 8 days later he was gone. My future self was not going to hold him, look at him, smile and laugh with him or grow old with him. I was going to be a widow and alone for the rest of my life. I was down and depressed and didn't always take the best care of myself or my apartment. I let dishes pile up, clothes remain unwashed, house not cleaned and I just went to work and then to home. I had 2 cats and the youngest one called Shadow was our "baby". I sometimes would wish that Troy could talk to me thru her, I could tell that she and Mishka missed having Troy to cuddle up next to. Troy was very playful with them. The cats are still alive. I never got the 100% feeling or image that he is in Heaven, even though I believe he has to be there. I am still alone. My future self is waiting for another "angel" like Troy ASAP!

Tuesday, December 7

This past weekend was fun. On Friday I met up with a co-worker and her sister and we listened to a local band. I had time to get "pretty" (put in my contacts and did my hair and make-up). She and her sister and another friend had been there hours before me and they were feeling no pain. I enjoyed their company. At one point my friend said I have a slightly evil/pretty smile and if I would open up more that I could have anyone I wanted even at my current weight. It was nice to hear that she thinks this is true but it is hard for me to actually believeit. Scott came up later and it was nice to see him. He took video of the band and I sat back at the bar after my friend left to meet her boyfriend. I had 3 drinks total. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to the band that was playing and other band friends watching them. Scott walked to my car and I said I wished to see Brett Favre play in a game before the end of the season. The only date that is possible is this Sunday. When Favre got injured, the plans got put on hold. On Saturday I was to met up with a friend to see her son bowl but that got mixed up and didn't happen. Later I was attending a "fatty acceptance" dance after I bowled in my league. When I arrived to bowl, I found that 2 of my 4 person team was sick and that the other team was not showing at all. We bowled so quickly that I was able to get to the dance way early than expected. I had no expectations than to just dance with the girls and that is exactly what happened. The attendance was low and the DJ played crap until after 10:30pm. I had 1 strong drink the whole night. On Sunday I laid around until around 3:30 because I was tired from 2 late nights in a row. Later I went shopping and bought some food that I shouldn't have. I ate 2 chocolate chip cookies after eating Chinese food for supper. On Monday after work I went to TOPS and recorded a 0.4 loss; however, after coming home to eat supper I ate the remaining 8 cookies. I had the whole package near me and even with all the reasons to not eat them I just couldn't stop. I awoke Tuesday feeling super tired and high on sugar. So Tuesday is another day to get it right..right? The plan is to get to the Y tonight. Lunch time is over so it's back to work.

Thursday, December 2

I stayed up much too late yesterday. I was enjoying the memories of my birthday before I went to sleep. I had a busy afternoon at work and stayed late so I made another excuse to not go to the Y. I know it's up to me to push myself to exercise. I need to get more sleep starting now.

Wednesday, December 1

Today did start out better than yesterday. I received several birthday wishes on Facebook including one right at midnight from Scott. This birthday is not a milestone one but it made me wish the calendar could remain in November. When I got to work I was surprised with more birthday wishes and bagels. I met up with Scott after work for a bite to eat and presents. I enjoyed the 2 hours talking with him more than I can explain.

I will set some small goals so I can reach my bigger 40 pounds loss by March. I am nearly half way to that goal. I must not let the upcoming holiday and the cold winter months stop me from reaching it.

Tuesday, November 30

I had a feeling today was going to be busier than Monday and I was not wrong. I don't have joy in my heart. I don't have pep in my step. I wonder if I will ever feel energetic. I wonder if my heart will ever be open to be filled with joy and love. I am very sad and down about my life. I use food to fill the void. I need to find the drive within me to change my habits but doing it solo is not working for me. I didn't go to the Y tonight. I made excuses to not go. I am stupid.

Stupidity = Doing the same thing but expecting a different result

Monday, November 29

It was back to work after the holiday and as people were coming in others they would ask how Thanksgiving was and people would say good and say the break was nice. I just wanted to tackle my endless e-mails and make sure I was prepared when the phone would start ringing. To me it feels like others are wasting the 1st hour of the day by chatting about the holiday. I hear the stories of their travels or of their cooking or of their shopping and just want to hit mute.

I had my TOPS meeting and it was a small 0.2 gain for the week.