I went to sleep earlier last night so getting up today was somewhat easier. For the 2nd day I did not have my typical breakfast of oatmeal and banana. I got a apple cinnimmon muffin from the lunchroom and drank my water. This was only 180 calories so I knew I would be hungry later in the day.

I wanted to go out for lunch but when the time came I didn't leave. I have an hour and can go to several places from fast food to a sit down restaurant from american to italian to mexican to chinese. 2 of us take our lunch at 11am and 2 of us take lunch at 12 and 1 takes a 1/2 hour lunch at 11:30. We do this to have at least 2 on the phones. The others always go out to get away from their desk. I am uncomfortable going out alone and would prefer to be at my desk to make certain I keep ahead of the work.

When I left work I was thinking of stopping for food. I should have just came home but the addiction was too strong. I got the #5 meal from McDonald's and came home. I gave the cats their food and then sat down to eat mine. I need to find another passion besides food.

About 3 years ago I was a member of Curves which was for women only. This is a place to workout in a circle of resistance machines followed by a step platform followed by another resistance machine that alternated on upper body and lower body. There was about 12 machines and 12 step platforms. I would work out for 35 to 40 minutes during my lunch hour and would come back to eat lunch. I had the drive back then but the location nearest to my work closed and I then let my membership end.

Now I am a member of a fitness club for everyone. I was going 3 times a week, sometimes 4 and in the beginning was very motivated to work out. I started this new program and when it started to become difficult to work on the some of the weight machines and to work on the floor doing crunches, I let that difficulty stop me from going. Today I made the decision to go back. I can't make excuses anymore. My future self needs me to get it together now.

I started this day the same as yesterday. I hit the snooze bar several times. I did get up to feed the cats but I soon returned to the comfort of my bed. The snooze kept being hit until I finally realized it was past the time I could get ready and make it to work on time. I started to think if I should call in but soon thought that was a stupid idea. I had just got my workload to my pre-vacation way. As I was getting ready I remembered I needed to stop for gas. Why did I not stop for gas last night when I was out coming back from my TOPS meeting? I did not have any oatmeal packets or bananas to take for breakfast and I almost stopped at McDonald's for an egg mcmuffin but thought I could make a better choice at work. I found a chicken salad wrap and ate that for breakfast so I could take my pills and drank my water. On Tuesdays, I am part of a conference call to our manufacturing plant in China. This meeting is usually 20 minutes but it went on for an hour so I was concerned about how much was waiting for me at my desk. Surprisingly, just 2 voice messages and 5 faxed orders. I was already looking forward to lunch.

I didn't bring a lunch either so it was back to the lunch room. I chose a chicken frien steak sandwich and I had a fiber one bar and my water. I did a few work things but spent 1/2 the time making out checks and paying bills. Doing this took my mind off food and I think my mind figured out I was full since it takes about 20 minutes to register the full feeling. A person needs to eat slower and chew more.

My afternoon was good and I didn't take any snack size hershey bites .. YAY. I left work and as I approaced my car I noticed my tire was almost flat. I walked back into work and asked if anyone had access to an air compressor but they knew we didn't have an adapter to fit on the tire nozzle. I had to charge my cell phone before I could use it and I walked up to the front office to do this. Well to my surprise our switchboard diva Joanie had a small air compressor. She would use it while I sat on the board to answer calls. I told her she was my hero. I drove home in far more traffic since I was later leaving work and was soon thinking about what to eat for dinner. Eventually had a large chicken breast with boiled then mashed potatoes and corn. Have to eat fast so I can watch the All Star game .. GO PRINCE GO ..

I must get back to the gym. I hope my partner is ready to go back too. However, I will not let that stop me.

I started my day by hiting the snooze several times. When it was the absolute latest to get to work on time, I got moving, got dressed, got things needed for later in my bag and off to work. I was so not happy it was Monday. However, soon after I arrived, I got a text from Scott saying Happy Monday and it brightened my spirits, if only for a short while.

For breakfast, I had oatmeal and a fiber one bar and my ever present water. We had a full staff in by 8am. Its been since June 25 that all 6 of us have been in the office. People were asking Karen about her week off and I just stayed focused on handling my e-mails and answering the phone. It was almost 9:30 before I knew it. This is my 15 break time so I am able to make my phone busy. I typically stay working on processing quotes/requests/answering e-mails since I won't be interupted by a ringing phone.

I had a Lean Cuisine meal for lunch and more water. YUM. I still did do a little more work while on my lunch break. I finally did open all the e-mails (some are not answered since I need to ask others) but getting to this point is very promising for the afternoon. I gave in to temptation by taking 2 snack size hershey bites from a co-workers desk. I little while later, I felt a rush in my head that was probably a sugar surge. The remainder of the day was ok.

When I left work, I was thinking of food so I stopped at Qdoba and had a burrito. I need to find out how many calories it had. I was then off to my TOPS meeting. I am the assistant weight recorded but had to be the official recorder since Pat was not there. I stayed the same weight as last week. One member lost 14 pounds. She said the best thing for her was journaling what she ate and exercising. It is all so simple if we can only re-wire our brain. I have support. It will happen.

GO FIELDER GO ... HE WON THE HOMERUN DERBY

Its been a week since I have posted. After many days off I went back to work last Monday. I had a busy day playing catch-up. My job is customer service/parts sales/order entry for a manufacturing company. When I am away, those that call my extension will hear my voice mail message telling them that I am not in and the incoming faxes and other incoming phone calls get divided between the others in the department. However, our e-mail system does not allow senders to know that I am not in the office. I was able to view my work e-mails from home and did delete some but I still had 45 to deal with. It is very difficult to answer these quickly and when the phone is ringing and the faxes are growing, it cane make a person re-think taking time off. I got through Monday without pulling my hair but but still had so much waiting for my return the next day. I did a couple of errands before my weekly TOPS meeting. This is a support group of men and women trying to Take Off Pounds Sensibly. I didn't attend the previous week's meeting and I was not sure if I had lost weight. I did lose 1.4 and that was good enough to be the 2nd place in our group. It was a bad weigh in for most since it was after the holiday. I had to choose a NO-NO for the group to avoid in the upcoming week. I chose to avoid pizza.



The following day at work had my department down by 2 persons and it was difficult to deal with the e-mails since more and more calls and e-mails were coming in. The plan is that I am to distribute the faxes but I feel this needs to be changed. I think if a co-workers sees faxes on the machine that they can take 1 or 2 or however many they want. Since this is not happening I then take on too much work because I feel that the customer's quote or request or orders will get processed in a more timely manner with me. Why do I do this? Wednesday and Thursday at work were more of the same. I had Friday off and I was dreading returning on Monday. I believe I ate sensibly all week. I was planning so much for Scott's birthday that it kept my mind off food.



After work on Wednesday, I had plans with Scott to see the Brewers and unbeknowst to him I planned a surprise where his name would be on the scoreboard to celebrate his birthday (it was actually Saturday, but that game was sold out). He also got a birthday bobblehead of our mascot and a souvenir baseball inside a backpack. I gave Scott a card and we had a terrific time and the brewers won!!



After work on Thursday, Scott had a show at a local park and the weather was perfect. I started out sitting on the picnic tables but moved to a blanket. I took photos of the crowd and soon my legs were hurting. I think my circulation was being cut-off but the show was only 1 hour 15 minutes so I stayed put and continued taking shots trying to ignore my pain. Which is the reason I am in this situation, I ignore problems all too often. I got up after the show ended and this helped but my body was not 100% recovered. I think this is why during the next morning I had tightness behind the knee and in the upper thigh that feels like a clot. It is a scary feeling. The ache only goes away after I get my massager plugged in and have the rotating action knead away the pain.



On Friday, I went to pick-up the cake for Scott and Joe, the band's drummer, whose birthday is Friday and Scott's is Saturday. The band had a show Friday night so combining their birthdays was only fitting. I was suppose to pick-up Joe's girlfriend and drive to the show but other events came up and I ended up going to Scott's house to ride out together to the show. I had to tell him I had a cake so I could put it in the refrigerator. All things went well during the show and during a break we brought out the cake and I did eat a piece. Scott had willpower and didn't have one. I gave him another card and gift (UV vodka and gatorade). I had another surprise for him on his actually birthday. We took the leftover cake with us and when we got back to his place, he had a piece and I had a 2nd piece. I should not have eaten it.



On Saturday, Scott knew we were going on a river/harbor cruise in downtown Milwaukee but didn't know I had a 3rd birthday card and another gift. I took 2 pictures (1 with him in it and 1 with me in it) and framed these. The cruise was called a beer and brat theme. We both don't like beer so that was easy to avoid. We both did eat 2 brats ( I had them without the buns). We took lots of pictures and video. After the cruise, we walked around the downtown area. Afterwards, we got a drink at a restaurant and relaxed our feet. We discussed going to a better place for dinner. At this restaurant, we both did have more food/calories then we should of had but the celebration of his birthday, I think, took over. I was concerned that this would ruin our weight loss plans but decided not to bring it up. I began to feel this would only happen today and we would get back to eating more sensibly.



Which brings us to today. I awoke feeling slightly sore and needed to get a load a wash done before meeting Scott for another show at the Jefferson county fair. Time seemed to get away from me and I was scrambling to get contacts in and find a shirt to wear. This "not having clothes that look right on me" caused me to be 15 minutes late. I have to remember this feeling when I want to eat unhealthy. While at fair, I did eat a gyro and had a caramel ice cream sundae, which I believe was not bad. During breaks, Scott wanted to get something to eat but could not pick something. He hadn't eaten anything all day. It was an odd day all around. We left the fair and didn't talk much while in the car. He did say he would get something to eat and I told him to not go crazy if he had to get something fast since he did not have much at home to eat. I do have faith in him.

It has taken me nearly 3 hours to complete this post. Which has kept me away from the kitchen at least for now. I wish I had more faith in myself that I will just go to sleep now.

I had plans to clean house on Saturday morning. I awoke a little after 9am and one of my first thoughts was do not just sit on the couch and wait for later when I might feel more energetic. Now was the time. I began by stripping the bed and going in the basement to start the wash. I then went back into the bedroom to clear off the dresser. I organized some but had to find my jewelry box. I did stop to have 2 fiber one bars to take my pills. I took this opportunity to go on the computer and read blogs and read posting from facebook. I didn't stay off track too long. I got the vacuum and tried to remove the cat hair from the furniture. This took some time and I needed to rest. It's tough to say that doing vacuuming wears me out. Inbetween I went to the basement to start another load of wash. My brother mentioned he was heading out to Walmart and then a pet store so I put on my shoes and went along. We picked up a few things and I mentioned I needed to eat something and the store has a Subway in it. I was beginning to feel faint. It was about 2:30 and I had only eaten the bars. I ordered the chicken breast footlong with a drink and proceeded to eat both halves and it was delicious!! When I returned home I had plans to work in the bathrooms but I also needed to make the bed and still find my jewelry box.
I looked for product to use in the bathroom and found 3 almost empty cleaners. After spraying the tub I used all my muscle to scrub and scrape but in the end I was tired and decided to leave this to another day. I was giving up. I had picked up a computer game and started to load and play this game. Scott then called me and gave me information about the evenings plans. He had a show starting at 10pm. I figured I would leave about 8pm. While on the phone I seemed to get a spark of energy and I went to look for the jewelry box in drawers under the bed which lead me to find momentos I had forgotten but I put these back and went on with my search. I checked a couple other places but never found it. I then proceeded to flip my queen size mattress and then make the bed. In my mind I had done alot and I was finished. I didn't want to eat late at the show so I grabbed 3 hot dogs and some crackers. The crackers were high in sodium and just 3 crackers were a serving size. I know I had 5 or more servings. I was back on the computer to play the new game. I left the house about 8pm and met the group at the show and I was presented with my own band t-shirt. I changed into this shirt and watched the band set-up. I got the camera out and took a few early shots before the band played. It was an outdoor show and I was starting to feel a chill and then I remembered I had a sweater jacket in the car so I walked back to get it. I hurried backed and was not hurting. Once the show started I felt glued to my seat during the first set. I was snapping photos of the crowd just from my vantage point. The place started to fill up and I needed to stand and eventually get up onto the bench. The energy from the crowd got me moving. During the break between sets Scott sat next to me and I was running my fingers over his neck and back. I was feeling a vibe from him. I am not sure what it was but this was not the time to discuss it. He would say that I worry/think too much. Later on he said he was probably the oldest person there. The crowd was all college age people. I can't help but to think he was feeling down about his age and his weight. I know that I feel sad when my birthday comes and I am still overweight, still alone and getting older. For me I know that having a special guy in my life during my last birthday made it special. I hope he feels that having me in his life makes his next birthday better.

I woke up on Friday still hurting from the previous day. My ankle, the area above the heel, feels weak and hurts more because of the standing and walking. I didn't have this much pain when I weighed less so I know the reason behind it. I think it was 8:30 when I started my day with 2 fiber one bars and a diet sierra mist so I could take my pills. I can't seem to down pills with just liquid. I begin the day by turning on the TV and turning on the computer. I either watch game shows on GSN or home improvement shows on HGTV or TLC. I catch up on reading facebook postings and most recently blogs that I follow. I sat on the couch for a long time and then got showered and dressed for the day. I then thought about lunch but didn't want to go out since I was unsure of my plans for later in the day. I found 2 individual packed chicken burritos and microwaved these. I then tried to nail down my plans for the afernoon/evening. Before these plans were in place, I was thinking of eating but I didn't have much to choose from at home. I tried to take my mind off of food but it was difficult. When my eveing plans were in place, I met Scott for a bite to eat. I had a fish sandwich with fries. We both then had ice cream. I should be calculating calories to know if having ice cream fit into a 1500 or 2000 calorie plan. This is something I must work on. Then is was off to the movie. Since we just ate, there was no temptation to get popcorn. It was around 9pm when the movie let out. We then drove around to watch the various fireworks shows. I was happy to drive around without a real destination. The BIG fireworks display was downtown and evenutally we did drive towards that show and it was spectacular but we could not safely stop on the freeway. He drove me back to my car and after a few kisses and then just one more I was on my way home and thinking this was a great day!

insecurities

On Wednesday I attended a wedding 2+ hours away from where I live. I had a simple breakfast of a fiber one bar before I left around noon. I brought a diet soda along for the ride. The wedding was a simple event in a quaint chapel. After the ceremony several of the bridal party and guests went to a lounge to enjoy a few drinks before the reception. I had 1 mixed drink and enjoyed listening to the bride tell colorful stories. She is so vivacious and not afraid to say anything that would embarass her or her friends. I overthink how to say things and most of the time stay silent. I knew the groom from 1 previous meeting but took this opportunity to talk with him. Among other things we talked about our feelings of insecurity and our fears of saying what is on our mind. My car had more space so the bride came with me and she helped me arrive at the reception hall. Soon after I arrived my eyes saw the food and my focus stayed there. I did only have a breakfast bar and a soda. I did grab a plateful and a wine cooler. After I finished my plate I was thinking of getting more but my fear of being getting up from the table a wiggling around the chairs of other guests kept me in my seat. This was the first good thing. Shortly afterwards the cake was cut and of course I did not refuse a piece. At one point they were trying to pass more cake around but never reached my table before it was all gone. I know I would have accepted a 2nd piece. This was the second good thing. The dancing began soon after. I found a place to the side so I could video the grand march and first dance. The bride made sure I came out to the dance floor. She knows how much I like to 'shake a leg' but need a push to get out there and have fun. I didn't plan on staying to late since I was driving back home the same night. I said my goodbyes to the happy couple and left. It was a long drive and I was starting to get drowsy and my great thought was to stop for late night food to wake me up. The freeway exits lists the hotels, gas stations and food restaurants that are upcoming. I never did find an exit that had a Taco Bell restuarant. This was the third good thing. Well almost. When I got off the freeway and close to home I did stop at a Taco Bell and ordered 2 grilled stufted chicken burritos which I ate after arriving home. Eating food was so engraved on my mind that it didn't matter that is was 11:30pm.

On Thursday, I was meeting my boyfriend and his band at a park and ride lot. They had a show at our biggest festival and I help out by taking pictures and video. I was very excited to be backstage and to see the festival grounds from a different vantage point. The show began at noon. They played for 2 hours and I took pictures from both sides of the stage, from in front of the stage and up above. I knew eyes were looking at me but the focus was on the band. I have been taking pictures for months but this was a very big gig. Once the gear had been loaded onto the van and taken to our cars, we went back to the grounds to walk around and get some food. I order catfish fingers. Later I got chicken strips with fries. I would have eaten more but our feet and bodies were tired so decided to leave. We tried waiting for a shuttle but after 15 minutes decided to walk it. It was a long trek since we are both carrying extra weight. I was very sore getting into the car but glad we walked it. After getting back home, I grabbed a bit of food and sat on the couch watching DVR shows from the last 2 days. I went to bed knowing Thursday was a very good day for me.