Saturday, May 22

My last blog mentioned that I finally booked a trip to Florida. I stopped writing my blog between booking the trip and returning from it. I enjoyed the time off work and all the attractions and adventures with Scott. It was a very wonderful vacation but because of my weight I didn't have the energy to walk without foot/ankle pain. After the first full day I developed a skin blister on the bottom of both feet. We have many pictures and memories of 7 days together.


One evening I was re-reading an excerpt from Sean Anderson's blog to Scott. It re-awakened my desire to get in control of my life and my weight and my future. I know Scott is feeling down about his weight and the hernia and how it stops him from enjoying more things in our relationship. We have to change the habits that have gotten us to this point in our lives and build new healthly ways of eating and living.


My new task will be to keep a food journal and to express how I am feeling so I can better understand why I eat.


I woke up today at 9am feeling a bit sore but not really tired. I walked into the living room and turned on the TV and went on the computer. I then grabbed rice cakes and ate a package the contained 7 cakes and the calorie count is 60 each for a total of 420 for breakfast. My thoughts turned to Sean's more satisfying homemade egg white omelets for breakfast at far fewer calories. I eat foods that are easy and don't take time to prepare. I will have to work on changing this habit.


For lunch I opened a can of chili with beans (260 per serving and a can is 2 servings) and dipped saltines crackers (60 per serving and 5 crackers is a serving) into it. I did eat the entire sleeve of saltines so the calorie total is 1000. It is very shocking how little I seemed to eat and how many calories it added up to.


I am doing nothing around the house, just catching up on recorded TV programs. It's a bright sunny day and I am wondering why I sit inside. I have evening plans but could have at least left the house. I need to not be so lazy. Did eating those calories at lunch make me lazy?


I opened a can of peaches (50 per service and a can is 2.5 servings) for a calorie cound of 175. I am over 1500 calories for the day and have not had dinner. It's upsetting to know that I exceeded the 1500 calorie goal so early.

I had a burrito for dinner so I really exceeded the calorie mark.

Tonight I am going to see Scott's band play. A lot of friends/family of his will be there. I am planning on rockin/head-banging to their last song with another friend Dana and taping it.

Tomorrow starts my newest attempt to change the bad habits and re-write the message in my head.

Thanks for reading.

Friday March 12

I finally booked our trip to Florida. It took weeks because I couldn't decide on which area to stay at while in Tampa but eventually picked a hotel and made the flight arrangements and chose the rental car. The trip is 2 months away and I have more incentive to lose weight. I will lose 15 pounds but shooting for 25. With the weather warming up I will get out and walk and be active outside. I need to be out of the house more. Spring is the time of rebirth and renew.

Thanks for reading

Tuesday, March 9

To those who still read my blog,

I know I am not a writer. I don't tell stories or jokes with flair. It's not easy for me to put thought and feelings into words and when I do it's still not a representation of me.

Last week I went to Cardinal 3 day in a row. On the 4th day, I coulda, woulda, shoulda went but didn't and that started the downfall. I got down on myself and got frustrated. I stopped moving, I started feeling like I can't do this, like I can't lose weight. This process is so much about changing your mindset that I wonder if my brain is mis-wired.

Time to re-charge the mind and body.
Goodnight and thanks for reading.

Friday, February 12

I was talking to Scott last night and he was hurting. He doesn't like the way he looks. He doesn't like what his weight makes people think of him. He was not overweight as a kid. He doesn't remember when things started to change and he gained the weight. He says he is not his true self. He needs help. He wasn't sure what type help he need. He is suppose to have hernia surgery but needs to lose 50 or so pounds. He has known this for over 18 months. He wanted this to be the year. The year he loses the weight and has the surgery.

I was thinking about him and his pain a lot last night. I don't like the way I look. I don't like what my weight makes people think of me. I have been overweight since my teens. I haven't figured out the real reason I gained the weight. I have only known me as a overweight self. I need help. I have diabetes and need to lose over 100 or so to get it in better control. I have known this for more than 5 years. This has to be the year. The year I lose the weight and have normal sugar levels.

He needs to see that I can lose the weight and that I can help him lose his weight. I know that by helping him that I will be more determined to lose my weight. He needs to see someone motivated.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, February 8

I was at my TOPS meeting tonight and one member suggested that each of us tell a story about a scar we had. This was a way to open up and "get to know you". Some talked about minor accidents or falls in their childhood that caused their scars. One talked about getting his finger stuck in a car door. The stories were cute and we smiled. I tried for several minutes to think of a funny scar story. I drew a blank. I have a surgery scar but that wasn't funny. When everyone looked to me to add to the stories, I said I don't have any scars. This was so not true. The fact is that nothing is funny about my internal scars. The battle inside my brain over food and exercise is showing in the way I look on the outside. I put on a happy face most of the time but I don't like the way I look.

Thanks for reading

Thursday, February 4

I want to lose weight but I am just not pushing myself enough to make lifestyle changes. I need a jolt or a kick in the @$$ to finally get on the road to eating right and exercising more. I can't do it by myself.

Monday, February 1

Last night Scott and I met up for a little shopping and a meal. He had $20 in a certificate from work. We decided on a pizza with breadsticks. We chatted about our weekend of taking pictures and of upcoming shows. We decided not to see a movie and we will do that on Thursday. He said I could take the leftovers for lunch on Monday. I got back home and brought the take home box with me on the couch. It was just 2 pieces and 1/2 a breadstick. Surely there was no need to keep that for lunch when I could finish it right now. I probably would have eaten it but I didn't have the right refreshment drink in the fridge. I was proud that I didn't "give in" and just eat it. The mental part of this is really really hard. I went to bed at 11pm. Good for me!!! I decided to just go to bed wearing my clothes. It's warmer that way. Can't wait for spring and summer!! I fell right asleep and got up about normal time for me to get ready and on time for work. I grabbed my oatmeal packet, a NutriGrain bar, orange and the pizza leftover.

The workday morning has been quiet. My breakfast oatmeal and my lunch is all gone. Now what do I do for a afternoon snack before my late dinner. On Monday nights, I attend a TOPS meeting and I don't get home until 7:30ish. Inbetween work and the meeting, I have 35 to 50 minutes to work out at Cardinal Fitness. I go most Mondays but I need to go on other evenings after work. I need help. I come up with excuses for not going. How do you push yourself to go? I did go to the YMCA more than 10 years ago and I made it a habit to attend after work. Why is it so hard to get into the habit again?

I left work and went directly to workout. I got on the bike and pedaled for 30 minutes working off 175 calories. When I was driving to my TOPS meeting I started thinking of stopping for a salad from McDonald's. I knew I would have dinner when I got home so why was food on my mind? I didn't have time to stop anyway. I came home and had spaghetti.

Thanks for reading