Friday March 12

I finally booked our trip to Florida. It took weeks because I couldn't decide on which area to stay at while in Tampa but eventually picked a hotel and made the flight arrangements and chose the rental car. The trip is 2 months away and I have more incentive to lose weight. I will lose 15 pounds but shooting for 25. With the weather warming up I will get out and walk and be active outside. I need to be out of the house more. Spring is the time of rebirth and renew.

Thanks for reading

Tuesday, March 9

To those who still read my blog,

I know I am not a writer. I don't tell stories or jokes with flair. It's not easy for me to put thought and feelings into words and when I do it's still not a representation of me.

Last week I went to Cardinal 3 day in a row. On the 4th day, I coulda, woulda, shoulda went but didn't and that started the downfall. I got down on myself and got frustrated. I stopped moving, I started feeling like I can't do this, like I can't lose weight. This process is so much about changing your mindset that I wonder if my brain is mis-wired.

Time to re-charge the mind and body.
Goodnight and thanks for reading.

Friday, February 12

I was talking to Scott last night and he was hurting. He doesn't like the way he looks. He doesn't like what his weight makes people think of him. He was not overweight as a kid. He doesn't remember when things started to change and he gained the weight. He says he is not his true self. He needs help. He wasn't sure what type help he need. He is suppose to have hernia surgery but needs to lose 50 or so pounds. He has known this for over 18 months. He wanted this to be the year. The year he loses the weight and has the surgery.

I was thinking about him and his pain a lot last night. I don't like the way I look. I don't like what my weight makes people think of me. I have been overweight since my teens. I haven't figured out the real reason I gained the weight. I have only known me as a overweight self. I need help. I have diabetes and need to lose over 100 or so to get it in better control. I have known this for more than 5 years. This has to be the year. The year I lose the weight and have normal sugar levels.

He needs to see that I can lose the weight and that I can help him lose his weight. I know that by helping him that I will be more determined to lose my weight. He needs to see someone motivated.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, February 8

I was at my TOPS meeting tonight and one member suggested that each of us tell a story about a scar we had. This was a way to open up and "get to know you". Some talked about minor accidents or falls in their childhood that caused their scars. One talked about getting his finger stuck in a car door. The stories were cute and we smiled. I tried for several minutes to think of a funny scar story. I drew a blank. I have a surgery scar but that wasn't funny. When everyone looked to me to add to the stories, I said I don't have any scars. This was so not true. The fact is that nothing is funny about my internal scars. The battle inside my brain over food and exercise is showing in the way I look on the outside. I put on a happy face most of the time but I don't like the way I look.

Thanks for reading

Thursday, February 4

I want to lose weight but I am just not pushing myself enough to make lifestyle changes. I need a jolt or a kick in the @$$ to finally get on the road to eating right and exercising more. I can't do it by myself.

Monday, February 1

Last night Scott and I met up for a little shopping and a meal. He had $20 in a certificate from work. We decided on a pizza with breadsticks. We chatted about our weekend of taking pictures and of upcoming shows. We decided not to see a movie and we will do that on Thursday. He said I could take the leftovers for lunch on Monday. I got back home and brought the take home box with me on the couch. It was just 2 pieces and 1/2 a breadstick. Surely there was no need to keep that for lunch when I could finish it right now. I probably would have eaten it but I didn't have the right refreshment drink in the fridge. I was proud that I didn't "give in" and just eat it. The mental part of this is really really hard. I went to bed at 11pm. Good for me!!! I decided to just go to bed wearing my clothes. It's warmer that way. Can't wait for spring and summer!! I fell right asleep and got up about normal time for me to get ready and on time for work. I grabbed my oatmeal packet, a NutriGrain bar, orange and the pizza leftover.

The workday morning has been quiet. My breakfast oatmeal and my lunch is all gone. Now what do I do for a afternoon snack before my late dinner. On Monday nights, I attend a TOPS meeting and I don't get home until 7:30ish. Inbetween work and the meeting, I have 35 to 50 minutes to work out at Cardinal Fitness. I go most Mondays but I need to go on other evenings after work. I need help. I come up with excuses for not going. How do you push yourself to go? I did go to the YMCA more than 10 years ago and I made it a habit to attend after work. Why is it so hard to get into the habit again?

I left work and went directly to workout. I got on the bike and pedaled for 30 minutes working off 175 calories. When I was driving to my TOPS meeting I started thinking of stopping for a salad from McDonald's. I knew I would have dinner when I got home so why was food on my mind? I didn't have time to stop anyway. I came home and had spaghetti.

Thanks for reading

Sunday, January 31

Before I went out to see Scott's band, I ate a a cup fo broccoli cheese soup and a turkey, bacon, cheese croissant with french fries. I got ready and this time I put on my favorite sparkly shirt because it's roomy and doesn't cling. I put in my contacts and some make-up. I did try to put my hair up but that was a disaster. I arrived and found some of Scott's family already there so I talked and found a seat. I started out by getting 2 shots and another drink. I was going to loosen up early. I got some camera tips from a new friend and I was excited to learn more about my new camera. I was inbetween groups of friends and that was perfect for taking pictures. I started feeling stuck in my seat but in order to get some crowd shots, I had to move. His sister-in-law said I should go on stage and she would take pictures of me next to Scott. I felt that my size got in the way of standing close enough to him for a nice kiss on the check picture. A few more friends arrived and came over to talk with me! I got another shot but I never felt tipsy or buzzed the whole night. I did move around more up and around the stage. I danced and smiled and had fun. After the band finished, the house music came on and I felt like chair dancing which means moving and groving all while sitting. The friends noticed me and they thought I was buzzed and concerned about me driving home. I said I was find and just feeling the music. I then stood up behind the table and backed by the wall and was able to move more. I was noticed by more people but still in a comfort zone because I was behind the table. I felt great! I was in a great frame of mind.
I made plans with Scott for Sunday and we kissed goodbye. I got home around 3am and fed the cats so they wouldn't pester me in the morning and went to bed but could not fall asleep right away. I thought about getting up and going on FB but I changed my mind. I woke up around 10am and ate cereal and read a few sections of the paper. I will now get ready for our afternoon.

Thanks for reading