December 30, 2010

When I created my last post, I never expected to lose another loved one in the month of December. However, I received a call on Monday, December 20th telling me my Dad passed away in his sleep. After getting the news, I was in shock. I had to drive over 2 hours to where my parents lived. I kept going in circles picking up things I thought I needed to pack. I called my cousin so she could take care of my cats and I called Scott so he knew. I wanted a big hug then. That would have to wait. We couldn't pack the Christmas gifts in the car so that would wait too. We arrived at their home and heard more details of what happened. There was no evidence of struggling or thrashing around as if it were a heart attack. We suspect a blood clot or an aneurysm but so glad he went in his sleep and at the home he loved so much.

Hug your loved ones. Happy New Year!

Friday, December 17

8 years ago today my husband Troy passed away from Leukemia. After these many years the memory fades but I will never forget sitting at his bedside when he took his last breath. I didn't cry, I had done tons of that weeks and months prior to his death but his Mom and Dad were there too and I wanted to be strong for them. My Mom was there for me.
My world stopped in November of 2001 when he was diagnosed with cancer. At first there was chemo and procedures to combat the cancer and I dealt with the up and downs of him losing his hair and having little energy and waiting for him to "recover". In April/May of 2002 he was given a non-chemo drug that looked very promising and his white cell counts were improving. We discussed getting married in July and all of his family came from Boston and we had a great wedding day planned in only 7 weeks. I had help from family and friends. The only thing I regret is that nobody captured memories on a video camera. The pictures are great but I still wish I could see him move and hear his voice. In October, his energy and blood counts were low and pain was increasing. Troy was brave and didn't complain to me much. I was supportive but he knew I cried over the chance of losing him. We talked in the evenings and I would tell him I wanted to know with 100% proof that he was in Heaven. I told him that if he could come to me in a ghostly image or if I could hear him talk in my ear, I would be satisfied he was there. He went back into the hospital for the last time on December 9, 2002 and 8 days later he was gone. My future self was not going to hold him, look at him, smile and laugh with him or grow old with him. I was going to be a widow and alone for the rest of my life. I was down and depressed and didn't always take the best care of myself or my apartment. I let dishes pile up, clothes remain unwashed, house not cleaned and I just went to work and then to home. I had 2 cats and the youngest one called Shadow was our "baby". I sometimes would wish that Troy could talk to me thru her, I could tell that she and Mishka missed having Troy to cuddle up next to. Troy was very playful with them. The cats are still alive. I never got the 100% feeling or image that he is in Heaven, even though I believe he has to be there. I am still alone. My future self is waiting for another "angel" like Troy ASAP!

Tuesday, December 7

This past weekend was fun. On Friday I met up with a co-worker and her sister and we listened to a local band. I had time to get "pretty" (put in my contacts and did my hair and make-up). She and her sister and another friend had been there hours before me and they were feeling no pain. I enjoyed their company. At one point my friend said I have a slightly evil/pretty smile and if I would open up more that I could have anyone I wanted even at my current weight. It was nice to hear that she thinks this is true but it is hard for me to actually believeit. Scott came up later and it was nice to see him. He took video of the band and I sat back at the bar after my friend left to meet her boyfriend. I had 3 drinks total. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to the band that was playing and other band friends watching them. Scott walked to my car and I said I wished to see Brett Favre play in a game before the end of the season. The only date that is possible is this Sunday. When Favre got injured, the plans got put on hold. On Saturday I was to met up with a friend to see her son bowl but that got mixed up and didn't happen. Later I was attending a "fatty acceptance" dance after I bowled in my league. When I arrived to bowl, I found that 2 of my 4 person team was sick and that the other team was not showing at all. We bowled so quickly that I was able to get to the dance way early than expected. I had no expectations than to just dance with the girls and that is exactly what happened. The attendance was low and the DJ played crap until after 10:30pm. I had 1 strong drink the whole night. On Sunday I laid around until around 3:30 because I was tired from 2 late nights in a row. Later I went shopping and bought some food that I shouldn't have. I ate 2 chocolate chip cookies after eating Chinese food for supper. On Monday after work I went to TOPS and recorded a 0.4 loss; however, after coming home to eat supper I ate the remaining 8 cookies. I had the whole package near me and even with all the reasons to not eat them I just couldn't stop. I awoke Tuesday feeling super tired and high on sugar. So Tuesday is another day to get it right..right? The plan is to get to the Y tonight. Lunch time is over so it's back to work.

Thursday, December 2

I stayed up much too late yesterday. I was enjoying the memories of my birthday before I went to sleep. I had a busy afternoon at work and stayed late so I made another excuse to not go to the Y. I know it's up to me to push myself to exercise. I need to get more sleep starting now.

Wednesday, December 1

Today did start out better than yesterday. I received several birthday wishes on Facebook including one right at midnight from Scott. This birthday is not a milestone one but it made me wish the calendar could remain in November. When I got to work I was surprised with more birthday wishes and bagels. I met up with Scott after work for a bite to eat and presents. I enjoyed the 2 hours talking with him more than I can explain.

I will set some small goals so I can reach my bigger 40 pounds loss by March. I am nearly half way to that goal. I must not let the upcoming holiday and the cold winter months stop me from reaching it.

Tuesday, November 30

I had a feeling today was going to be busier than Monday and I was not wrong. I don't have joy in my heart. I don't have pep in my step. I wonder if I will ever feel energetic. I wonder if my heart will ever be open to be filled with joy and love. I am very sad and down about my life. I use food to fill the void. I need to find the drive within me to change my habits but doing it solo is not working for me. I didn't go to the Y tonight. I made excuses to not go. I am stupid.

Stupidity = Doing the same thing but expecting a different result

Monday, November 29

It was back to work after the holiday and as people were coming in others they would ask how Thanksgiving was and people would say good and say the break was nice. I just wanted to tackle my endless e-mails and make sure I was prepared when the phone would start ringing. To me it feels like others are wasting the 1st hour of the day by chatting about the holiday. I hear the stories of their travels or of their cooking or of their shopping and just want to hit mute.

I had my TOPS meeting and it was a small 0.2 gain for the week.

Sunday, November 28

I don't dislike the holidays, I just don't enjoy them like I used to. Is it normal as you get older to feel like these special days are for younger families/kids? I went shopping on Black Friday but was not in the Christmas spirit. I don't decorate my house mostly because it's just me and why take the time to pull the boxes from storage and put things out for 3 or 4 weeks. I need an injection of merriment and love!

I didn't go to the Y last week. Up until then I was going twice a week and was noticing some consitant weight loss. Time to get back in the habit starting Tuesday.

October 18, 2010

I want to give those who still interested in following my blog the news that I am still alive and kicking. Not really kicking more like walking and biking. Not really walking but doing it on the treadmill. Not really biking but using the stationery stepper all at the YMCA. I joined the Y about 2 months ago and I have made an effort to go at least twice a week. I workout about 90 minutes. I have made efforts not to snack inbetween meals. I made a goal to lose 40 pounds by March 2011. I have lost 15 so far towards that goal.

Saturday, June 5

Breakfast: 2 Fiber One bars

Snack: brownie bite

Dinner: beef tips with gravy over buttered noodles, chicken noodle soup, diet pepsi, cherry cheesecake

mood: tired but what else is new

Friday, June 4

Breakfast: oatmeal, pretzels

Lunch: Lean Cuisine, chicken wrap

Snack: 3 bite size hersheys chocolates

Dinner: gyro sandwich, fries, diet coke

Snack: ritz crackers

Mood: TGIF

Thursday, June 3

Wed:

Breakfast: oatmeal, zingers

Lunch: Lean Cuisine

Snack: 2 apples

Dinner: grilled chicken, rice-a-roni, vegetables, milk

Snack: ritz crackers, corn chips

Mood: tired

Thurs:

Breakfast: oatmeal, pretzles

Lunch: Lean Cuisine

Snack: cold chicken wrap

Dinner: hamburger helper (turkey), potatoes, mixed vegetables, milk

Snack: ritz crackers

Mood: tired

Tuesday, June 1

Breakfast: oatmeal, coffee cake

Lunch: Lean Cuisine

Snack: corn chips, water

Dinner: boneless, skinless grilled chicken, potatoes, corn, milk

Mood: tired

Monday, May 31

Food journal

Friday:

Breakfast: oatmeal, banana

Lunch: Lean Cuisine, apple, handful of cashews

Dinner: chicken wrap, waffle fries, diet coke

Saturday:

Breakfast: scrambled eggs, hashbrowns, 2 sausage links, 2 pancakes (no syrup or butter) from IHOP

Lunch/dinner: 2 brats (no bun), turkey dog, pork n beans, slice of cheese, pasta salad, beer bread bites

Snack: ice cream

Sunday:

Breakfast: fried egg, cheese, turkey sausage patty on 2pcs of toasted wheat bread

Lunch/dinner: 3pcs chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, pumpkin bar

Snack: ice cream

Monday:

Breakfast: stuffed hashbrown (scrambled eggs, ham, peppers, inside hashbrowns), wheat toast with grape/apple jelly, water

Lunch/snack: 20 ritz crackers, 30 pretzels

Dinner: baked ham & cheese club sandwich, fries, coleslaw, chicken w/ rice soup, diet coke

mood: thankful for freedom

Thursday, May 27

Breakfast: oatmeal, banana

Lunch: Lean Cuisine, can of no sugar added peaches

Snack: apple, handful of cashews

Dinner: grilled ham and cheese sandwich, chicken dumpling soup, fries, diet pepsi

Mood: eh, whatever

Wednesday, May 26

Breakfast: zingers, banana

Lunch: Lean Cuisine, no sugar added pears from a can

Snack: apple, 3 mini chocolate bites

Dinner: (thanks to Clarence) cold tuna fish salad, glass of milk, 1/2 package of ritz crackers

mood: tired

Tuesday, May 25

Breakfast: oatmeal, banana

Lunch: Lean Cuisine, can of peaches (no sugar added)

Snack: apple

Dinner: (I made it) hamburger helper, mac & cheese, mixed vegetables, brownie bite

emotions: in check

Monday, May 24

Breakfast: oatmeal, banana

Lunch: Lean Cuisine, apple, can of pears (no sugar added)

Dinner: (thanks to brother) grilled chicken, potatoes, mixed vegetables, glass of milk, saltine crackers

weigh in: down 4.8 pounds

Sunday, May 23

I woke up today around 11am. I grabbed saltines and a glass of milk around 1:30 and proceeded to eat the whole package. I believe the calorie count is 500. I was still tired so I laid on the couch for a hour or two. Later I ate 2 Fiber One bars at 140 each for a total of 280. I did do some laundry but had no energy to attack some other chores in the house. At 5:30 I went to the store for groceries and was craving some foods but I avoided buying most of the wrong things. For supper I grabbed yet another cracker package and a glass of milk. Why is it difficult for me to put food into a pan or pot and cook? I need to learn the answer for myself.

Thanks for reading

Saturday, May 22

My last blog mentioned that I finally booked a trip to Florida. I stopped writing my blog between booking the trip and returning from it. I enjoyed the time off work and all the attractions and adventures with Scott. It was a very wonderful vacation but because of my weight I didn't have the energy to walk without foot/ankle pain. After the first full day I developed a skin blister on the bottom of both feet. We have many pictures and memories of 7 days together.


One evening I was re-reading an excerpt from Sean Anderson's blog to Scott. It re-awakened my desire to get in control of my life and my weight and my future. I know Scott is feeling down about his weight and the hernia and how it stops him from enjoying more things in our relationship. We have to change the habits that have gotten us to this point in our lives and build new healthly ways of eating and living.


My new task will be to keep a food journal and to express how I am feeling so I can better understand why I eat.


I woke up today at 9am feeling a bit sore but not really tired. I walked into the living room and turned on the TV and went on the computer. I then grabbed rice cakes and ate a package the contained 7 cakes and the calorie count is 60 each for a total of 420 for breakfast. My thoughts turned to Sean's more satisfying homemade egg white omelets for breakfast at far fewer calories. I eat foods that are easy and don't take time to prepare. I will have to work on changing this habit.


For lunch I opened a can of chili with beans (260 per serving and a can is 2 servings) and dipped saltines crackers (60 per serving and 5 crackers is a serving) into it. I did eat the entire sleeve of saltines so the calorie total is 1000. It is very shocking how little I seemed to eat and how many calories it added up to.


I am doing nothing around the house, just catching up on recorded TV programs. It's a bright sunny day and I am wondering why I sit inside. I have evening plans but could have at least left the house. I need to not be so lazy. Did eating those calories at lunch make me lazy?


I opened a can of peaches (50 per service and a can is 2.5 servings) for a calorie cound of 175. I am over 1500 calories for the day and have not had dinner. It's upsetting to know that I exceeded the 1500 calorie goal so early.

I had a burrito for dinner so I really exceeded the calorie mark.

Tonight I am going to see Scott's band play. A lot of friends/family of his will be there. I am planning on rockin/head-banging to their last song with another friend Dana and taping it.

Tomorrow starts my newest attempt to change the bad habits and re-write the message in my head.

Thanks for reading.

Friday March 12

I finally booked our trip to Florida. It took weeks because I couldn't decide on which area to stay at while in Tampa but eventually picked a hotel and made the flight arrangements and chose the rental car. The trip is 2 months away and I have more incentive to lose weight. I will lose 15 pounds but shooting for 25. With the weather warming up I will get out and walk and be active outside. I need to be out of the house more. Spring is the time of rebirth and renew.

Thanks for reading

Tuesday, March 9

To those who still read my blog,

I know I am not a writer. I don't tell stories or jokes with flair. It's not easy for me to put thought and feelings into words and when I do it's still not a representation of me.

Last week I went to Cardinal 3 day in a row. On the 4th day, I coulda, woulda, shoulda went but didn't and that started the downfall. I got down on myself and got frustrated. I stopped moving, I started feeling like I can't do this, like I can't lose weight. This process is so much about changing your mindset that I wonder if my brain is mis-wired.

Time to re-charge the mind and body.
Goodnight and thanks for reading.

Friday, February 12

I was talking to Scott last night and he was hurting. He doesn't like the way he looks. He doesn't like what his weight makes people think of him. He was not overweight as a kid. He doesn't remember when things started to change and he gained the weight. He says he is not his true self. He needs help. He wasn't sure what type help he need. He is suppose to have hernia surgery but needs to lose 50 or so pounds. He has known this for over 18 months. He wanted this to be the year. The year he loses the weight and has the surgery.

I was thinking about him and his pain a lot last night. I don't like the way I look. I don't like what my weight makes people think of me. I have been overweight since my teens. I haven't figured out the real reason I gained the weight. I have only known me as a overweight self. I need help. I have diabetes and need to lose over 100 or so to get it in better control. I have known this for more than 5 years. This has to be the year. The year I lose the weight and have normal sugar levels.

He needs to see that I can lose the weight and that I can help him lose his weight. I know that by helping him that I will be more determined to lose my weight. He needs to see someone motivated.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, February 8

I was at my TOPS meeting tonight and one member suggested that each of us tell a story about a scar we had. This was a way to open up and "get to know you". Some talked about minor accidents or falls in their childhood that caused their scars. One talked about getting his finger stuck in a car door. The stories were cute and we smiled. I tried for several minutes to think of a funny scar story. I drew a blank. I have a surgery scar but that wasn't funny. When everyone looked to me to add to the stories, I said I don't have any scars. This was so not true. The fact is that nothing is funny about my internal scars. The battle inside my brain over food and exercise is showing in the way I look on the outside. I put on a happy face most of the time but I don't like the way I look.

Thanks for reading

Thursday, February 4

I want to lose weight but I am just not pushing myself enough to make lifestyle changes. I need a jolt or a kick in the @$$ to finally get on the road to eating right and exercising more. I can't do it by myself.

Monday, February 1

Last night Scott and I met up for a little shopping and a meal. He had $20 in a certificate from work. We decided on a pizza with breadsticks. We chatted about our weekend of taking pictures and of upcoming shows. We decided not to see a movie and we will do that on Thursday. He said I could take the leftovers for lunch on Monday. I got back home and brought the take home box with me on the couch. It was just 2 pieces and 1/2 a breadstick. Surely there was no need to keep that for lunch when I could finish it right now. I probably would have eaten it but I didn't have the right refreshment drink in the fridge. I was proud that I didn't "give in" and just eat it. The mental part of this is really really hard. I went to bed at 11pm. Good for me!!! I decided to just go to bed wearing my clothes. It's warmer that way. Can't wait for spring and summer!! I fell right asleep and got up about normal time for me to get ready and on time for work. I grabbed my oatmeal packet, a NutriGrain bar, orange and the pizza leftover.

The workday morning has been quiet. My breakfast oatmeal and my lunch is all gone. Now what do I do for a afternoon snack before my late dinner. On Monday nights, I attend a TOPS meeting and I don't get home until 7:30ish. Inbetween work and the meeting, I have 35 to 50 minutes to work out at Cardinal Fitness. I go most Mondays but I need to go on other evenings after work. I need help. I come up with excuses for not going. How do you push yourself to go? I did go to the YMCA more than 10 years ago and I made it a habit to attend after work. Why is it so hard to get into the habit again?

I left work and went directly to workout. I got on the bike and pedaled for 30 minutes working off 175 calories. When I was driving to my TOPS meeting I started thinking of stopping for a salad from McDonald's. I knew I would have dinner when I got home so why was food on my mind? I didn't have time to stop anyway. I came home and had spaghetti.

Thanks for reading

Sunday, January 31

Before I went out to see Scott's band, I ate a a cup fo broccoli cheese soup and a turkey, bacon, cheese croissant with french fries. I got ready and this time I put on my favorite sparkly shirt because it's roomy and doesn't cling. I put in my contacts and some make-up. I did try to put my hair up but that was a disaster. I arrived and found some of Scott's family already there so I talked and found a seat. I started out by getting 2 shots and another drink. I was going to loosen up early. I got some camera tips from a new friend and I was excited to learn more about my new camera. I was inbetween groups of friends and that was perfect for taking pictures. I started feeling stuck in my seat but in order to get some crowd shots, I had to move. His sister-in-law said I should go on stage and she would take pictures of me next to Scott. I felt that my size got in the way of standing close enough to him for a nice kiss on the check picture. A few more friends arrived and came over to talk with me! I got another shot but I never felt tipsy or buzzed the whole night. I did move around more up and around the stage. I danced and smiled and had fun. After the band finished, the house music came on and I felt like chair dancing which means moving and groving all while sitting. The friends noticed me and they thought I was buzzed and concerned about me driving home. I said I was find and just feeling the music. I then stood up behind the table and backed by the wall and was able to move more. I was noticed by more people but still in a comfort zone because I was behind the table. I felt great! I was in a great frame of mind.
I made plans with Scott for Sunday and we kissed goodbye. I got home around 3am and fed the cats so they wouldn't pester me in the morning and went to bed but could not fall asleep right away. I thought about getting up and going on FB but I changed my mind. I woke up around 10am and ate cereal and read a few sections of the paper. I will now get ready for our afternoon.

Thanks for reading

Saturday, January 30

HELP. I didn't go to bed on Thursday night before 11. I was up past midnight and then when I tried to sleep I couldn't. It's like I couldn't turn the switch off in my brain. It's not that I was thinking of anyone or anything, it's all random snippets of stuff. HELP. On Friday, I got up with just enough time to get to work. I ate my oatmeal and the day began. I was so focused on entering orders left over from yesterday that the morning flew by. I didn't even leave my department to go to the bathroom. I grabbed a lunchable from the vending machine and then ate an orange and NutriGrain bar for lunch. I then focused on organizing some of my work while I was on switchboard duty. When I returned to my desk, I was hit with more than a dozen faxes from 2 days ago and more in my e-mail. HELP...NO. Guess what? I didn't ask for help, I focused on the task and when I left work I had processed every order.
Later in the evening I was going out with Scott to see some bands play. I got home and soon was out to eat a gyro and french fries. HELP. I arrived back home to get ready. I didn't put alot of effort into changing my attire from what I wore to work, I just put in contacts and a little make-up. I got to the place before Scott arrived and found a seat and was pretty much glued to it all night. There was a group of 10 young girls that dressed up and were having a blast talking and dancing that it made me down and depressed because I don't look sexy or have confidence to be like them. HELP. No one would notice how I felt because I naturally keep quiet and don't draw attention. I sit and listen and smile. I felt like I could leave and nobody would miss me. We never made it to see the 2nd band and after we stopped for gas, I left for home. I took out my contacts, fed the cats so they wouldn't pester me too early and went to bed with my clothes on.
I got up around 10:30 and fed the cats and then ate cereal while reading the paper. I then came online to catch-up on FB postings and start my blog and watch TV. HELP. I have chores and housework that I could be doing but feeling tired and have an attitude of who cares. I must not.
I will be going out tonight to see Scott's band and alot of his family and friends will be there. I will probably look happy, smile, take pictures and not be glued to my seat but will come home secretly wishing I had more fun talking with them, dancing and going up on stage.
Losing weight is more a mental transformation then most people think. I know this but I must not care enough. I need help.

Thanks for reading

Thursday, January 28

Even though I went to bed at 10pm, I woke up late. I got up and out the door in 15 min. I made it to work with 3 min to spare. I got a replacement chair and all was good. I ate oatmeal and before I knew it half the day was over. I left the office for lunch. This is quite rare since I like to stay at my desk to do some work and surf the net. I ate a burrito (not the best choice). The afternoon was very odd because the call volume was slow. I was able to organize filing of my orders while handling the phone calls. I then worked on follow-up of quotes and gathered up new faxed/e-mailed order to process. I was asked to stay late to help another co-worker get her orders processed as she is on vacation tomorrow. I wonder how I can be caught-up and she is so unorganized. Then I wonder how I can put so much effort at work to stay "in shape" but not give the same effort at home and to myself. My dinner was chicken dumpling soup and a turkey/bacon/cheese croissant with french fries. I must end this blog so I can get to bed before 11pm.

Thanks for reading

Wednesday, January 27

MUST GO TO BED BY 11PM. MUST GO TO BED BY 11PM. MUST GO TO BED BY 11PM.


It amazes me that I get to work on time. The morning was going good except that my chair broke and won't stay at the height I set it at. I have to realize it broke due to my weight. I am now sitting in a steel folding chair. When you are use to sliding around on wheels not be able to does make it more difficult to do my work. I ate a cold chicken burrito from the vending machine. I thought I had a Lean Cuisine in the freezer at work but I was wrong. I also ate my orange and Nutri Grain bar. I noticed I felt a little light-headed/dizzy so I better check my blood sugar level. It's high (damn). Now I realize why I feel this way today. I didn't let the afternoon busyness get to me even though a co-worker was venting that she is getting call after call after call. After I got home, I didn't get active. I fell into the habit of grabbing a diet soda and sitting on the couch to watch recorded programs. My dinner was rib meat, 3 spoonfuls of potatoes and vegetables and a snack of honey nut chex mix. I am my own worst enemy. I don't push myself. I take the easy road. I need help.

Thanks for reading

Tuesday, January 26

The day started ok. I got up a little later than I wanted but still had plenty of time to dress and get to work on time. I walked in with a better attitude than I have in some time. I thought "whatever the day brings, I will not let it effect my mood" I won't let others around me get under my skin. I kept that feeling going all day even when a customer called and basically accused me of being a dumb blonde. I vented and let it go and moved on to the next task. I remained focused and felt good.



For breakfast I ate oatmeal and then for lunch I had a Lean Cuisine entree and a Nutrigrain bar. I had an orange as a snack on my drive home. I resisted the habit of sitting on the couch to watch recorded TV and did a few task. For dinner I had 2pcs of meat loaf, 3 spoonfuls of sweet potatoes and of corn and glass of milk.

I should have done more activity at home. I will work on this.

Thanks for reading

Monday, January 25

Wow, it has been 2 months since I have posted. I feel bad about this and want to journal my thoughts and feelings. I am not going to let the work stress rule my mood. I am going to be more vocal. I am going to be more active while at home. I will not let myself down.

Thanks for reading