Friday, February 12

I was talking to Scott last night and he was hurting. He doesn't like the way he looks. He doesn't like what his weight makes people think of him. He was not overweight as a kid. He doesn't remember when things started to change and he gained the weight. He says he is not his true self. He needs help. He wasn't sure what type help he need. He is suppose to have hernia surgery but needs to lose 50 or so pounds. He has known this for over 18 months. He wanted this to be the year. The year he loses the weight and has the surgery.

I was thinking about him and his pain a lot last night. I don't like the way I look. I don't like what my weight makes people think of me. I have been overweight since my teens. I haven't figured out the real reason I gained the weight. I have only known me as a overweight self. I need help. I have diabetes and need to lose over 100 or so to get it in better control. I have known this for more than 5 years. This has to be the year. The year I lose the weight and have normal sugar levels.

He needs to see that I can lose the weight and that I can help him lose his weight. I know that by helping him that I will be more determined to lose my weight. He needs to see someone motivated.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, February 8

I was at my TOPS meeting tonight and one member suggested that each of us tell a story about a scar we had. This was a way to open up and "get to know you". Some talked about minor accidents or falls in their childhood that caused their scars. One talked about getting his finger stuck in a car door. The stories were cute and we smiled. I tried for several minutes to think of a funny scar story. I drew a blank. I have a surgery scar but that wasn't funny. When everyone looked to me to add to the stories, I said I don't have any scars. This was so not true. The fact is that nothing is funny about my internal scars. The battle inside my brain over food and exercise is showing in the way I look on the outside. I put on a happy face most of the time but I don't like the way I look.

Thanks for reading

Thursday, February 4

I want to lose weight but I am just not pushing myself enough to make lifestyle changes. I need a jolt or a kick in the @$$ to finally get on the road to eating right and exercising more. I can't do it by myself.

Monday, February 1

Last night Scott and I met up for a little shopping and a meal. He had $20 in a certificate from work. We decided on a pizza with breadsticks. We chatted about our weekend of taking pictures and of upcoming shows. We decided not to see a movie and we will do that on Thursday. He said I could take the leftovers for lunch on Monday. I got back home and brought the take home box with me on the couch. It was just 2 pieces and 1/2 a breadstick. Surely there was no need to keep that for lunch when I could finish it right now. I probably would have eaten it but I didn't have the right refreshment drink in the fridge. I was proud that I didn't "give in" and just eat it. The mental part of this is really really hard. I went to bed at 11pm. Good for me!!! I decided to just go to bed wearing my clothes. It's warmer that way. Can't wait for spring and summer!! I fell right asleep and got up about normal time for me to get ready and on time for work. I grabbed my oatmeal packet, a NutriGrain bar, orange and the pizza leftover.

The workday morning has been quiet. My breakfast oatmeal and my lunch is all gone. Now what do I do for a afternoon snack before my late dinner. On Monday nights, I attend a TOPS meeting and I don't get home until 7:30ish. Inbetween work and the meeting, I have 35 to 50 minutes to work out at Cardinal Fitness. I go most Mondays but I need to go on other evenings after work. I need help. I come up with excuses for not going. How do you push yourself to go? I did go to the YMCA more than 10 years ago and I made it a habit to attend after work. Why is it so hard to get into the habit again?

I left work and went directly to workout. I got on the bike and pedaled for 30 minutes working off 175 calories. When I was driving to my TOPS meeting I started thinking of stopping for a salad from McDonald's. I knew I would have dinner when I got home so why was food on my mind? I didn't have time to stop anyway. I came home and had spaghetti.

Thanks for reading