Friday, December 17

8 years ago today my husband Troy passed away from Leukemia. After these many years the memory fades but I will never forget sitting at his bedside when he took his last breath. I didn't cry, I had done tons of that weeks and months prior to his death but his Mom and Dad were there too and I wanted to be strong for them. My Mom was there for me.
My world stopped in November of 2001 when he was diagnosed with cancer. At first there was chemo and procedures to combat the cancer and I dealt with the up and downs of him losing his hair and having little energy and waiting for him to "recover". In April/May of 2002 he was given a non-chemo drug that looked very promising and his white cell counts were improving. We discussed getting married in July and all of his family came from Boston and we had a great wedding day planned in only 7 weeks. I had help from family and friends. The only thing I regret is that nobody captured memories on a video camera. The pictures are great but I still wish I could see him move and hear his voice. In October, his energy and blood counts were low and pain was increasing. Troy was brave and didn't complain to me much. I was supportive but he knew I cried over the chance of losing him. We talked in the evenings and I would tell him I wanted to know with 100% proof that he was in Heaven. I told him that if he could come to me in a ghostly image or if I could hear him talk in my ear, I would be satisfied he was there. He went back into the hospital for the last time on December 9, 2002 and 8 days later he was gone. My future self was not going to hold him, look at him, smile and laugh with him or grow old with him. I was going to be a widow and alone for the rest of my life. I was down and depressed and didn't always take the best care of myself or my apartment. I let dishes pile up, clothes remain unwashed, house not cleaned and I just went to work and then to home. I had 2 cats and the youngest one called Shadow was our "baby". I sometimes would wish that Troy could talk to me thru her, I could tell that she and Mishka missed having Troy to cuddle up next to. Troy was very playful with them. The cats are still alive. I never got the 100% feeling or image that he is in Heaven, even though I believe he has to be there. I am still alone. My future self is waiting for another "angel" like Troy ASAP!