Friday, February 12

I was talking to Scott last night and he was hurting. He doesn't like the way he looks. He doesn't like what his weight makes people think of him. He was not overweight as a kid. He doesn't remember when things started to change and he gained the weight. He says he is not his true self. He needs help. He wasn't sure what type help he need. He is suppose to have hernia surgery but needs to lose 50 or so pounds. He has known this for over 18 months. He wanted this to be the year. The year he loses the weight and has the surgery.

I was thinking about him and his pain a lot last night. I don't like the way I look. I don't like what my weight makes people think of me. I have been overweight since my teens. I haven't figured out the real reason I gained the weight. I have only known me as a overweight self. I need help. I have diabetes and need to lose over 100 or so to get it in better control. I have known this for more than 5 years. This has to be the year. The year I lose the weight and have normal sugar levels.

He needs to see that I can lose the weight and that I can help him lose his weight. I know that by helping him that I will be more determined to lose my weight. He needs to see someone motivated.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, February 8

I was at my TOPS meeting tonight and one member suggested that each of us tell a story about a scar we had. This was a way to open up and "get to know you". Some talked about minor accidents or falls in their childhood that caused their scars. One talked about getting his finger stuck in a car door. The stories were cute and we smiled. I tried for several minutes to think of a funny scar story. I drew a blank. I have a surgery scar but that wasn't funny. When everyone looked to me to add to the stories, I said I don't have any scars. This was so not true. The fact is that nothing is funny about my internal scars. The battle inside my brain over food and exercise is showing in the way I look on the outside. I put on a happy face most of the time but I don't like the way I look.

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Thursday, February 4

I want to lose weight but I am just not pushing myself enough to make lifestyle changes. I need a jolt or a kick in the @$$ to finally get on the road to eating right and exercising more. I can't do it by myself.

Monday, February 1

Last night Scott and I met up for a little shopping and a meal. He had $20 in a certificate from work. We decided on a pizza with breadsticks. We chatted about our weekend of taking pictures and of upcoming shows. We decided not to see a movie and we will do that on Thursday. He said I could take the leftovers for lunch on Monday. I got back home and brought the take home box with me on the couch. It was just 2 pieces and 1/2 a breadstick. Surely there was no need to keep that for lunch when I could finish it right now. I probably would have eaten it but I didn't have the right refreshment drink in the fridge. I was proud that I didn't "give in" and just eat it. The mental part of this is really really hard. I went to bed at 11pm. Good for me!!! I decided to just go to bed wearing my clothes. It's warmer that way. Can't wait for spring and summer!! I fell right asleep and got up about normal time for me to get ready and on time for work. I grabbed my oatmeal packet, a NutriGrain bar, orange and the pizza leftover.

The workday morning has been quiet. My breakfast oatmeal and my lunch is all gone. Now what do I do for a afternoon snack before my late dinner. On Monday nights, I attend a TOPS meeting and I don't get home until 7:30ish. Inbetween work and the meeting, I have 35 to 50 minutes to work out at Cardinal Fitness. I go most Mondays but I need to go on other evenings after work. I need help. I come up with excuses for not going. How do you push yourself to go? I did go to the YMCA more than 10 years ago and I made it a habit to attend after work. Why is it so hard to get into the habit again?

I left work and went directly to workout. I got on the bike and pedaled for 30 minutes working off 175 calories. When I was driving to my TOPS meeting I started thinking of stopping for a salad from McDonald's. I knew I would have dinner when I got home so why was food on my mind? I didn't have time to stop anyway. I came home and had spaghetti.

Thanks for reading

Sunday, January 31

Before I went out to see Scott's band, I ate a a cup fo broccoli cheese soup and a turkey, bacon, cheese croissant with french fries. I got ready and this time I put on my favorite sparkly shirt because it's roomy and doesn't cling. I put in my contacts and some make-up. I did try to put my hair up but that was a disaster. I arrived and found some of Scott's family already there so I talked and found a seat. I started out by getting 2 shots and another drink. I was going to loosen up early. I got some camera tips from a new friend and I was excited to learn more about my new camera. I was inbetween groups of friends and that was perfect for taking pictures. I started feeling stuck in my seat but in order to get some crowd shots, I had to move. His sister-in-law said I should go on stage and she would take pictures of me next to Scott. I felt that my size got in the way of standing close enough to him for a nice kiss on the check picture. A few more friends arrived and came over to talk with me! I got another shot but I never felt tipsy or buzzed the whole night. I did move around more up and around the stage. I danced and smiled and had fun. After the band finished, the house music came on and I felt like chair dancing which means moving and groving all while sitting. The friends noticed me and they thought I was buzzed and concerned about me driving home. I said I was find and just feeling the music. I then stood up behind the table and backed by the wall and was able to move more. I was noticed by more people but still in a comfort zone because I was behind the table. I felt great! I was in a great frame of mind.
I made plans with Scott for Sunday and we kissed goodbye. I got home around 3am and fed the cats so they wouldn't pester me in the morning and went to bed but could not fall asleep right away. I thought about getting up and going on FB but I changed my mind. I woke up around 10am and ate cereal and read a few sections of the paper. I will now get ready for our afternoon.

Thanks for reading

Saturday, January 30

HELP. I didn't go to bed on Thursday night before 11. I was up past midnight and then when I tried to sleep I couldn't. It's like I couldn't turn the switch off in my brain. It's not that I was thinking of anyone or anything, it's all random snippets of stuff. HELP. On Friday, I got up with just enough time to get to work. I ate my oatmeal and the day began. I was so focused on entering orders left over from yesterday that the morning flew by. I didn't even leave my department to go to the bathroom. I grabbed a lunchable from the vending machine and then ate an orange and NutriGrain bar for lunch. I then focused on organizing some of my work while I was on switchboard duty. When I returned to my desk, I was hit with more than a dozen faxes from 2 days ago and more in my e-mail. HELP...NO. Guess what? I didn't ask for help, I focused on the task and when I left work I had processed every order.
Later in the evening I was going out with Scott to see some bands play. I got home and soon was out to eat a gyro and french fries. HELP. I arrived back home to get ready. I didn't put alot of effort into changing my attire from what I wore to work, I just put in contacts and a little make-up. I got to the place before Scott arrived and found a seat and was pretty much glued to it all night. There was a group of 10 young girls that dressed up and were having a blast talking and dancing that it made me down and depressed because I don't look sexy or have confidence to be like them. HELP. No one would notice how I felt because I naturally keep quiet and don't draw attention. I sit and listen and smile. I felt like I could leave and nobody would miss me. We never made it to see the 2nd band and after we stopped for gas, I left for home. I took out my contacts, fed the cats so they wouldn't pester me too early and went to bed with my clothes on.
I got up around 10:30 and fed the cats and then ate cereal while reading the paper. I then came online to catch-up on FB postings and start my blog and watch TV. HELP. I have chores and housework that I could be doing but feeling tired and have an attitude of who cares. I must not.
I will be going out tonight to see Scott's band and alot of his family and friends will be there. I will probably look happy, smile, take pictures and not be glued to my seat but will come home secretly wishing I had more fun talking with them, dancing and going up on stage.
Losing weight is more a mental transformation then most people think. I know this but I must not care enough. I need help.

Thanks for reading

Thursday, January 28

Even though I went to bed at 10pm, I woke up late. I got up and out the door in 15 min. I made it to work with 3 min to spare. I got a replacement chair and all was good. I ate oatmeal and before I knew it half the day was over. I left the office for lunch. This is quite rare since I like to stay at my desk to do some work and surf the net. I ate a burrito (not the best choice). The afternoon was very odd because the call volume was slow. I was able to organize filing of my orders while handling the phone calls. I then worked on follow-up of quotes and gathered up new faxed/e-mailed order to process. I was asked to stay late to help another co-worker get her orders processed as she is on vacation tomorrow. I wonder how I can be caught-up and she is so unorganized. Then I wonder how I can put so much effort at work to stay "in shape" but not give the same effort at home and to myself. My dinner was chicken dumpling soup and a turkey/bacon/cheese croissant with french fries. I must end this blog so I can get to bed before 11pm.

Thanks for reading