Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Its been a week since I posted so there is a lot to put down. Scott bought us both a journal and calorie book. My thought was to start using it on Monday. He had a show on Thursday at a county fair and I got to see David Cook sing before Scott's band played. We avoided eating carnival food while there; however, I ate from McDonald's before meeting up with him to drive there. I naturally woke up tired on Friday since I didn't get home until 1:30am. I was very busy at work and originally planned on skipping lunch. Then my brother called and invited me out to lunch and I couldn't say no since he drove out to my work before I got his message. I ate about 850 calories for lunch. The afternoon was less hectic but I still could not get much completed. Then that evening he and I went to our favorite gyro restaurant and I don't even know how many calories I ate but I know I went well over 1500 for that day.

On Saturday I was invited to Scott's parents cottage to relax and fish. I was prepared to leave my house but found my tire was flat. This was not the first or second time. It was more like six or seven times. I went to the dealership and got a new tire. When I told Scott he said it was about time I got it replaced since he knows of the numerous flat moments and that I have the money to cover it. I got to his place and we packed up the car. I brought too much stuff for just 1 night. He only brought a shirt and deodorant and I had a suitcase and another bag for toiletries. I needed a fishing license so we went to Walmart. We did buy some healthy food there too. We went to a family style restaurant for dinner. I did bring some of my food back with me even though I could have eaten it all there. We went fishing during the late afternoon/evening and I got some bites on the line and did bring in 2 fish. We stayed up late watching a movie and I was fighting to stay awake to watch the ending.

On Sunday Scott and his parents were talking about life and goals and ideas and family. I listened and enjoy getting to know them but when it came down to me I couldn't say who I was, what I wanted or my purpose. I felt stupid and upset that I missed a great opportunity to have a deeper connection. We had a healthy dinner of turkey burgers and a salad that Scott made by cutting up tomatoes, cucumbers, mushrooms and a great peppercorn ranch dressing. We did go out fishing afterwards but I was not getting the fish to bite. I felt drained. I was starting to think of work. On our way back, we came upon a rainbow. I got his camera and took photos of that and then of clouds and nature. I enjoyed taking pictures with the encouragement from Scott saying I could take good pictures of nature. We got to his place but then I didn't want to go home. We hugged and kissed, sometimes taking longer then I think he wants to do it. I left and was so tired that I went to bed shortly after getting home. I felt great waking up after getting 7+ hours of sleep.

Yesterday and today I feel like a failure. I haven't kept track of my calories in the book that Scoot got me. I was given some news at work that made me feel under appreciated and was still so busy. After work on Monday I should have exercised but felt drained so instead of going to Cardinal fitness, I drove to Qdoba and parked. I pulled out the calorie book and saw what a burrito was and talked myself out of going inside. That was a short-lived small victory. I left Qdoba and drove closed to my meeting. I ended up going to McDonalds and ordering the #5 meal. I ate that in the parking lot and then went to my TOPS meeting. On Tuesday after work, I told myself I was too drained to go to Cardinal so came home and finished the trail mix before eating dinner. I read the blogs from Sean and Jack and Zaa and Scott.

So why did I find something more to eat before writing this blog?
Why did I have to eat before TOPS?
Why did I have to eat at McDonalds?
Why is my mind telling me to eat?
Why can't I eat healthy?
Why I am so down?
Why can't I feel happy?
Why can't I feel that I am worth more?
Why do I need to ruin my life?
Why can't I spend money on more than bills and food?
Why am I rambling to Scott about work problems and knowing he don't want to hear it?
Why am I afraid of the future?
Why am I afraid of not having a future?
Why can't I be normal?
Why can't I talk about my desires?
Why I am so afraid to talk?
Why don't I know who I am?
Why don't I just give up on being in love?
Why I am still awake (its 1:20am on Wednesday)?
Why do I cry?


  1. I'm glad we met up tonight. Subway was a good choice. It's all in the "cards". Don't give up! Learn from these questions that you ask of yourself. Accept the things you can't change, Change the things you can't accept. It won't happen overnight!!

  2. Hi there!! I just found your blog through a post you left on Sean's. I'm so glad I found you....I just started my own weight loss blog 6 1/2 wks ago and I strugged with almost all of these same feelings when I first started. In just 6 short weeks I've finally gotten my mind in the right place. When you get your mind set on your goal and where you want to be....that's the HARDEST part...then everything else about not knowing who you are, etc, will fall into place. I've lost 21 lbs in the last 6 weeks. Every week isn't perfect...in fact I'm expecting some kind of gain this Friday....but my mind is where it needs to be. I am the Queen of Fast Food girl...I'm the Queen of Meat...the Queen of Carbs...the Queen of Coke and Chocolate...you name it...I'm the Queen of it, lol, when it comes to bad eating. I'm here to tell you that there IS hope and you CAN do this. I invite you to come check out my blog if you feel like it. I'm signing up on yours so I can follow your daily progress and offer encouragement. We are both soldiers in this battle against Obesity Lisa and we WILL win. We will beat these demons girlfriend...we'll do it together. You are not alone. I live on the East Coast..in Georgia, so it's getting really late here for me...but I plan on going back to the beginning of your blog and starting there. It does get easier...there is a way out, and there's no magic diet or pill for it...the way out is already inside you....we just have to uncover it. :)

  3. Hey girl!! Just wanted to let you know I went back to the beginning of your blog and read all the way through. I see myself in you...it's actually kind of comforting to me to know I'm not the only one out there with the same thoughts and feelings. I hope you have time to check out my blog, and if you'd like to chat, email me at tammyjortagus@yahoo.com. I've got some great tips and advice to help you with your struggles if you're ready and willing to truly change your life. I will support you all the way to freedom! :)

  4. Hey hun. Keep your chin up. We are all going to have ups and downs but do not let the downs keep you down.

    Remember you can call me anytime you need to talk!!!!! Im serious!