Its been a week since I posted so there is a lot to put down. Scott bought us both a journal and calorie book. My thought was to start using it on Monday. He had a show on Thursday at a county fair and I got to see David Cook sing before Scott's band played. We avoided eating carnival food while there; however, I ate from McDonald's before meeting up with him to drive there. I naturally woke up tired on Friday since I didn't get home until 1:30am. I was very busy at work and originally planned on skipping lunch. Then my brother called and invited me out to lunch and I couldn't say no since he drove out to my work before I got his message. I ate about 850 calories for lunch. The afternoon was less hectic but I still could not get much completed. Then that evening he and I went to our favorite gyro restaurant and I don't even know how many calories I ate but I know I went well over 1500 for that day.
On Saturday I was invited to Scott's parents cottage to relax and fish. I was prepared to leave my house but found my tire was flat. This was not the first or second time. It was more like six or seven times. I went to the dealership and got a new tire. When I told Scott he said it was about time I got it replaced since he knows of the numerous flat moments and that I have the money to cover it. I got to his place and we packed up the car. I brought too much stuff for just 1 night. He only brought a shirt and deodorant and I had a suitcase and another bag for toiletries. I needed a fishing license so we went to Walmart. We did buy some healthy food there too. We went to a family style restaurant for dinner. I did bring some of my food back with me even though I could have eaten it all there. We went fishing during the late afternoon/evening and I got some bites on the line and did bring in 2 fish. We stayed up late watching a movie and I was fighting to stay awake to watch the ending.
On Sunday Scott and his parents were talking about life and goals and ideas and family. I listened and enjoy getting to know them but when it came down to me I couldn't say who I was, what I wanted or my purpose. I felt stupid and upset that I missed a great opportunity to have a deeper connection. We had a healthy dinner of turkey burgers and a salad that Scott made by cutting up tomatoes, cucumbers, mushrooms and a great peppercorn ranch dressing. We did go out fishing afterwards but I was not getting the fish to bite. I felt drained. I was starting to think of work. On our way back, we came upon a rainbow. I got his camera and took photos of that and then of clouds and nature. I enjoyed taking pictures with the encouragement from Scott saying I could take good pictures of nature. We got to his place but then I didn't want to go home. We hugged and kissed, sometimes taking longer then I think he wants to do it. I left and was so tired that I went to bed shortly after getting home. I felt great waking up after getting 7+ hours of sleep.
Yesterday and today I feel like a failure. I haven't kept track of my calories in the book that Scoot got me. I was given some news at work that made me feel under appreciated and was still so busy. After work on Monday I should have exercised but felt drained so instead of going to Cardinal fitness, I drove to Qdoba and parked. I pulled out the calorie book and saw what a burrito was and talked myself out of going inside. That was a short-lived small victory. I left Qdoba and drove closed to my meeting. I ended up going to McDonalds and ordering the #5 meal. I ate that in the parking lot and then went to my TOPS meeting. On Tuesday after work, I told myself I was too drained to go to Cardinal so came home and finished the trail mix before eating dinner. I read the blogs from Sean and Jack and Zaa and Scott.
So why did I find something more to eat before writing this blog?
Why did I have to eat before TOPS?
Why did I have to eat at McDonalds?
Why is my mind telling me to eat?
Why can't I eat healthy?
Why I am so down?
Why can't I feel happy?
Why can't I feel that I am worth more?
Why do I need to ruin my life?
Why can't I spend money on more than bills and food?
Why am I rambling to Scott about work problems and knowing he don't want to hear it?
Why am I afraid of the future?
Why am I afraid of not having a future?
Why can't I be normal?
Why can't I talk about my desires?
Why I am so afraid to talk?
Why don't I know who I am?
Why don't I just give up on being in love?
Why I am still awake (its 1:20am on Wednesday)?
Why do I cry?